Did the people who raised you, really know who you are? Or did they mould you into what they thought you should be?
What was the cost of this? This loss of authenticity. What effects did this have you on, as a child, growing up and as an adult.
This might not be everyone’s life, but it just might be yours. If so, keep listening.
Hi Sharon,
This is a wonderful and much needed topic, please do keep posting.
I broke away from my family in my early twenties, have a minimal but OK contact with them now.
Long story short: my Mum refuses to respect men, she is all about how women can do anything by themselves, and spends her days belittling or straight up humiliating my Dad. When I got married I chose a dominant, respectable guy, who made it very clear from day one, that no matter what, he will take care of me, there’s no need for me to fix everything on my own, be independent, because we are stonger together, we can achieve so much more together, I just have to trust him. I couldn’t wrap my head around what he said, but felt it was right. I felt safe and loved. 15 years have passed, now we have 3 children, and to this day, my husband has my back no matter what.
Needles to say my Mum hates my husband, because he is not weak, he cannot be played with or manipulated. She cannot look down on him, and this- I guess makes- her feel weak.
Compared to all my sisters (I have 4) I’m the only one who is not living the life of my mother (in fact their life is just a copy-paste of hers, but the characters have different names). They always end up with partners who disappoint them.
Sorry for the grammatical mistakes, English is not my first language.
Have a wonderful day!
Sophia
Hi Sophia, great to hear from you. You chose the right person and it sounds like you both work together. I was just wondering if you were aware of everything that had been played out in your family before you made the discussion to marry your husband?
Had you been aware of all the red flags in your parents marriage or did you go on gut feeling? Also if you don’t mind me asking did you have counselling as a young person?
In my case their was no counselling. I knew a lot of things in the family weren’t right, but I was a people pleaser so it was better to go along with things than to question anything. My caretakers where quite old so I felt it my duty to take care of them. At the same time I wanted my freedom and the only way to get that was to marry and not live far from them. It took years to come to terms with the lies and manipulation that had taken place.
I now see how other members in my family fall into place. Doing what is expected of them just to be loved but, I see that love comes at a very high price to them. As I said I keep a distance from them and it’s not my business what they do but, it is interesting to see the same patterns repeat themselves.
Thank you for sharing it is a really big help.
Take care. Sharon.
Hi Sharon,
Thank you for your response!
No, I defintely was not aware of everything going wrong in my family. I did not feel loved or safe, but I didn’t know any better either. I was told that the way we live is the best way. I wanted to be loved and accepted, so I tried very hard to fit in. Unfortunately my personality is the exact opposite compared to my mothers’. No matter how hard I tried, she never expressed love towards me. She chose 2 of my sisters as her favourites. She didn’t even try to hide it. I was devastated, but looking back I realise that it made breaking away from the family so much easier later, because when you are already left out in the cold why stay?
I wasn’t aware of the red flags in my parents marriage. I had a feeling that it’s not good, but figured they were just not compatible with each other. Later when I got married, I started unconciously repeating things my mum would say to my father, or interpret my husbands’ actions through my mothers’ point of view. We went to marriage councelling after our first child was born. The therapist told me that I carried patterns of my families’ dynamics into my own marriage, pinpointed those for me, and taught me new methods to cope with stressful situations. I always knew that my family wasn’t perfect, but figured that other people don’t have a picture perfect family either. After the marriage counselling was over I was so ashamed of how blind I was. That the family I come from is toxic and manipulative, and I never had boundaries with any of my family members, I just separated myself physically by moving out and away.
All in all, I wholeheartedly recommend therapy/counselling/psychotherapy etc. to everyone going through uncertain or dark times.
Hope I answered all your questions!
Sophie
PS:: You know how I found your channel on Youtube? When I was around 10 years old, I had a huge crush on Michael Jackson. Then completely forgot about him for 20-25 years. This summer I heard one of his songs and it just threw me back to my childhood. I started googling what happened with him after 1997, and ended up listening to your channeling videos.
Hi Sophia, sorry it took me so long to get back to this subject. I believe it’s badly in need of it’s own little part of the website. I do intend on continuing with this. Unfortunately I had Covid followed by a chest infection, so that’s why I haven’t posted for awhile. I’m not quite back on my feet yet, and believe me no one wants to hear my voice as it is at the moment.
Lots more to talk about on Who’s life are you living and the many twists and turns we often take for the sake of others and what we know they expect from us. We overlook our own needs for the unhealthy needs or expectations of others.
I love how you found the site because of your childhood love of Michael Jackson. He had a lot of sadness in his life, and yet he brought so much joy.
Take care, kind regards,
Sharon.